When You’ve Hurt Your Man’s Feelings

Sharon JaynesLovestruck, Marriage 23 Comments

Today is my and Steve’s 39 wedding anniversary. I know you thought I was 39…right? Oops. This is a day to remember all the good things we’ve shared. Sometimes, we as women tend to focus on the negative. In today’s devotion, I want to share about a day I did just that. I’m not proud of it, but I learned from it. I wonder if you will too.

Steve and I were on a trip to celebrate my birthday. He’s not a very techy guy, so I did most of the reservations online. One night, we were trying to get tickets to a show using our hotel internet. I kept getting kicked off, and I grew frustrated.

In a huff, I said, “I wish you could do this! I feel like I’m having to do all the work, and it’s my birthday!”

With the saddest face ever, Steve looked down and said, “Well, I am good at some things.”

That broke my heart into a thousand pieces.

Of course, he’s amazing at many things. He’s a fabulous husband, a godly man, and friend. He’s gentle, strong, handsome and smart. At that moment, I was focusing on the .0001% negative rather than the 99.9999% positive. Now I was the one hanging my head.

In the Song of Solomon, Solomon and his Shulammite bride had a little spat. Even though she couldn’t wait to be intimate with her man before they got married, she was indifferent about it after they were married. One night he knocked, and she didn’t answer.

When she changed her mind, he was gone.

Trying to console her, the Shulammite’s amazing friends said, “Girl, tell us, what do you love about your man. Let’s talk about that.” (my translation)

My beloved is radiant and ruddy,
outstanding among ten thousand.
His head is purest gold;
his hair is wavy
and black as a raven.

His eyes are like doves
by the water streams,
washed in milk,
mounted like jewels.
His cheeks are like beds of spice

 yielding perfume.
His lips are like lilies
dripping with myrrh.

His mouth is sweetness itself;
he is altogether lovely.
This is my beloved, this is my friend,
daughters of Jerusalem” 
(Song of Songs 5:10-13, 16, NIV).

She recalled that he was ruddy and radiant — glowing and tanned by the sun. She loved his looks, his masculine strength, and his sweet words. I envision her wanting to hold his face in her hands and giving him that kiss he wanted earlier.

Her conclusion? “This is my beloved; this is my friend. Thank you for reminding me.”

A wife has the power to bolster her husband’s confidence or break his spirit with just a word. As Proverbs 12:25 reminds us, “Anxiety weighs down the heart, but a kind word cheers it up.” All through the day, our husbands have words thrown at them that could cause anxiety to rise and self-esteem to fall. We have no control over what happens to our men in the workplace, but we do have some control over what they feel in the homeplace. With one word, we can make their heart glad.

Notice Proverbs 12:25 says, “a kind word.” We don’t have to wax eloquent, write a discourse or make a speech. Just one little word of encouragement can make all the difference. I’m not all that great at one word, but I can certainly do less than 10.

Things like:

  • I’m so proud of you.
  • I missed you today.
  • I love you so much.
  • Thank you for working so hard.
  • I’m so glad I married you.

Robert Louis Stevenson said, “Make the most of the best and the least of the worse.” Too many times we flip what Stevenson said and make the most of the worst and least of the best. Let’s change that. Right now. Today.

Heavenly Father, I don’t know why I focus on the negative rather than the positive, but I want to change. Help me to see the best in my husband and in other people. Help me to be a person who builds others up rather than tears them down, who encourages rather than discourages, and who fans the flames of excitement rather than extinguish the flames of passion. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

Make a list of 10 qualities that you love about your husband … and then give it to him. And while you’re at it, leave a comment and share one quality you love most about your man (or another special someone in your life).

The Song of Solomon is a confusing book for many. But when you break the code and decipher the romantic language, it all makes sense. Everywhere we turn in our sex-saturated culture, we are bombarded by destructive and unrealistic depictions of romance and intimacy. The problem isn’t that the culture focuses on sex too much but that it values sex too little. In Sharon Jaynes’ new book, Lovestruck: Discovering God’s Design for Romance, Marriage, and Sexual Intimacy from the Song of Solomon, you’ll see God’s design for one of His greatest gifts. Parts of it will have you saying, “Is that really in the Bible?” Yep, God made sure of it.


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Comments 23

  1. The one quality I love most about my husband (Leon) is his strong faith. We have experienced much in the last 35 years of marriage…..including the death of our only son…..and his FAITH and sharing of his faith brought us through.

  2. Hello Sharon,
    I’ve been married for 45 years and today is our anniversary! I read your devotional this morning and just wanted to quickly share something. Even though we’ve been married so long I think it’s important to continue to feed your marriage and celebrate the love your have for each other. One thing that I noticed about my husband is how sensitive he is to my words. He is a strong man but he has a very sensitive spirit and the words that I say to him can really effect his self confidence. When a man loves a woman we can build him up or knock him down with our words and actions.

  3. Happy Anniversary to you both. I love that my husband averts his eyes to other women who aren’t dressed appropriately. Clevage, swimsuits, shorts, short skirts and dresses. That shows me that he loves me and wants to protect his mind and our marriage.

  4. Congratulations and HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!
    to Sharon & Steve
    such an encouraging message
    thankyou for this Blessing
    have a Septacular day!

  5. This really struck home for me. My husband left 3 weeks ago because I really hurt his feelings. Now he doesn’t want to work on fixing our marriage. Life has taken its tole on him and I pushed him over the edge not meaning to. I used the wrong word and he took it to mean something else and it has shattered our relationship. He has hardened his heart towards me and God. Please pray for us that my husband will turn back to God and find it in his heart to forgive me.

  6. your words are just what i needed right now.. i seem to be focusing on the negative instead of the positive. i’m going to look into your book, as i need something right now to help my heart and view. my husband is a great man, his faith is strong, he is faithful and trustworthy, and loves our family (and others) very much. he is the guy who would literally give you his plate of food if you had none. we will be married 31 years in october!

  7. I can tend to be too serious, and I love that my husband knows how to make me laugh and put things into perspective.

  8. I like that my husband is kind to other people, like putting a case of water in the car for a woman at the store. I really needed todays devotion. I too have trouble focusing on the positive things about my husband.

  9. I am writing this in response to your request for one special quality that we see in our spouse. My two sons and I have a nickname for my husband, we call him the master packer. We just dropped our two sons off at Chapel Hill and NC State on Wednesday and no one else in the world could’ve fit as much stuff into two cars and a small uhaul as my husband. We all knew he could do it but as we watched him on Tuesday night we were still amazed by him. After a full day at work he came home and packed with us for hours, got up early, drove to Raleigh, unpacked heavy furniture all day and then drove home with me. After 30 years he still amazes me. Now we begin to learn all about each other all over again after 20 years of raising the boys. Please pray for us!

  10. First congrats & happy anniversary! Ok….I’m getting this message and God is truly working through you to message me…..thank you, Sharon. I needed this today. Please keep me & my husband of almost 30 years in your prayers…thank you ❤

  11. Well, Happy Anniversary Sharon and Steve
    I love many of my husband’s fine qualities, like he is always smiling at me, likes to make me laugh etc.. if I need him, he stops what he is doing immediately to help. One time I was in a car accident and I drove home with $7,000 damage to our 12 month old car. He came over to put his arms around me! He is indeed a very special guy. Thank you God for blessing Howard. Sharon, I have said things, like you, that I wish I had never said. We always take advantage of the ones we love the most.

  12. Thank you, Sharon!
    One thing I love about my husband is his ability to fix broken things and restore them like new! It reminds me of the love we receive from God when He takes broken people and renews us ❤️

  13. Hey Sharon,
    I have been married for 24 years to the man of my dreams (Mark). The best word to describe him is “giving”. He is a giver of his love, time and energy. He truly cares about others, more than himself!
    He is very close with his family and mine. My dad treated him, like his own son. Partly because he is so laid back but he had no doubt that Mark loves me and will do anything for me.
    The past few years have been challenging, my father passed with a brain tumor and I cane very close to a full on breakdown. I cried in his arms for months after Daddy’s passing and still do at times but he had been my rock and given me so much love, that we are getting through it together.
    God bless you for this website!
    Take good care,
    Nancy M.

  14. I Thank you Very much for your word Maam & Sister Sharon Jaynes .jn proverbs chap 12 ;25 ,& songs of song chapter 5; 10-13&16 Niv .Praise The Lord o my soul.Praise The Lord. One must Encourage the other person who in distress & who ever in problems , but not to discourage & somuch so , one must also doing Hard work think that she or he Excitement when perform their role of the job in the Organization in terms of Love and Affection & even Encouragement and Rather than Extinguish the problems who are fackng .Thank you For The Word Again Maam. Thanking You With Warm Regards V BORRA REDDY

  15. I too have been focusing on the negative. we have gone through a trying time this last month and are dedicating our time to “repairing” our broken relationship. Although he is trying….i keep looking for the “slip” up. I keep looking for him to revert to his old ways. thank you for reminding me to “look” “remember” “focus on” at least one of those great qualities. Today it will be his strong arms. they represent so much of who he is. his physical strength, his perseverance (strength) and his strength in the midst of this awful journey we are walking.

  16. My husband has bern helping care for his 94 year old father for 2 years in his home 3.5 days a week. Bathing and feeding him. His dad has dimentia. It’s stressful for him but I’m so proud of him I know few men who would do this so long so his father could stay in his own home.

  17. I’ve been married to Paul for 46 years and when he walks in the room, I still glow and feel the love. We don’t always see eye to eye, but he still “rings my bell.” I am so grateful to God for giving me such a wonderful man who can be a pain in the butt occasionally, but loving and caring all the time.

  18. Thank you for this post…. Happy Anniversary Sharon. I have been married to my husband for 10 years this Wednesday. While that may not be as long as all of you it is an achievement for me. See, I am a runner, the first sign of trouble I revert to the trust issues I have developed and run. I have been married many times but this is the longest by 3 years.

    The quality that I love most about my husband is that LOVES me. Sometimes he botches the showing of it but I honestly know that he LOVES me. Please pray for me to be for openly appreciative to that secure knowledge that no matter what, he loves ME.

    I would pray for all of us that we show the love we have for our husbands and not just the disappointments.

  19. me and my husband we have be marriage now 3 yrs but we are still so diffrent he still dont understand my personality or heart how i am or i dont know but he is so man i mean he want do everything by himself i dont like that way about him because im person who want help and do everything for my husband i feel like nothing when he not ask me help or not let me do for him anything i dont like that and many even small thinks we get fight then i feel so sad crying because look like he not still know me if he know why he not cant accpt my personality how i am very helpfull and i want spend time with him always but what i like or want he dont want or like that time or Moment i feel like yes im marriage and same time no im not yes i have husband and no i dont have its hard to explain what i mean what mean that if husband and wife stay home husband not are interesting anything with together his wife with friends he go coffee shop or like talk anything but for me he always say i have crazy questions we are family we have our first child and same time i feel like we are not family because we not spend time together how normal family doing so i feel so alonely even if my husband is in home even i see him i still feel alone i dont know what i can doing we see diffrent we like diffrent anywhere he not even try to be same mind with me some thinks and sometimes his timening is wrong if he want take me outside walking then i dont want because im tired or do something els and when i want something he not want so im so full all this thinks

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