What do You do When You’ve Lost that Lovin’ Feeling?

Sharon JaynesMarriage 15 Comments

(My blogs will focus on marriage for the month of February. If you’re not married, I encourage you to read them anyway! And while you’re reading, pray for your friends that are married.  Believe me, they will appreciate it. Also, give a special blessing by passing these devotions along to them! Here we go…)

 “Yet I hold this against you; You have forsaken your first love,” (Revelation 2:4 NIV).  


“We’ve lost that lovin’ feelin’,” the guys crones on the radio. And I sit there and think to myself, “Stop whining man! Love’s not a feelin’ in the first place. That was your problem to being with!”

Now, that sounds a little cynical, I know. But can I be honest? I get so weary of people talking about falling in and out of love, like it is something you can turn off and on like an electric blanket to warm you up on a chilly night. Love is a commitment. I married my husband because I loved him. Now I love him because I married him. If we let our hearts be jerked around because how we’re feeling on any given day, then we’re headed on a never ending roller coaster ride that will leave us heart sick and soul sore. (I’m feeling feisty today. Can you tell?)

OK, so what do you do if you’ve “lost that lovin’ feelin’”? Maybe you truly adored your husband in the beginning, but now you can’t remember why. Maybe you admired his finer qualities, but now you can’t remember what they were.  Maybe you appreciated his wonderful attributes, but now take them for granted. What do you do now?

Here’s a statistic you might find interesting. According to an analysis of the National Survey of Families and Households, 86 percent of unhappily married people who stick it out find that, five years later, their marriages are happier. In fact, nearly 60 percent of those who rated their marriage as unhappy in one survey, and who stayed married, rated their same marriage “very happy” or “quite happy” when re-interviewed five years later. In comparison, those who divorced and remarried, divorced again at a rate of 60 percent.

So, starting over may very well be the answer … as long as it’s with the same man.

In the book of Revelation in the Bible, God had this to say to the church at Ephesus. “Yet I hold this against you; You have forsaken your first love” (Revelation 2:4).  Ephesus was one of the most loving churches in the New Testament and yet, somewhere along the way, they lost that initial thrill of knowing Christ. Their love for each other and for God had grown cold.

And it is the same way in many marriages. Many men and women have forgotten their first love. Somewhere between taking out the garbage, paying the bills, running carpool, mowing the lawn, disciplining the kids, folding the laundry…somewhere among the mundane routine of life, they’ve lost that lovin’ feelin’.

So how do you get it back? God gave the church two simple steps for the Bride of Christ to renew her passion for her Beloved, and I believe we can apply the same principles to renewing your passion for the man of your dreams.

Remember and Return

Remember what drew you to your husband in the first place?  Remember how you tried to please him, capture his heart, and win his affection? That may have been fifty pounds and a full head of hair ago, but that young man who longed to be adored, admired, and appreciated still lives within his heart. He wants to know if he still “has what it takes.” Let him know that he does.

Everyone loves a love story. Tell your children the story of how you first met and fell in love. Remember special days such as your first date, your first kiss, or when you first realized he was the man you wanted to marry.

Listen to a tape or watch a video of your wedding. Steve and I celebrate not only our wedding anniversary but also the day he asked me to marry him. I’m sure my son has tired of hearing the story time and time again, but he’s never doubted that his parents are crazy about each other.

Listen, if we tried to hang on to that “lovin’ feelin’” 24/7, it would be like continually popping a beach ball up in the air to try and keep it from touching the ground. On the other hand, we CAN commit to love 24/7. And while we’re at it, we can stir up some of that lovin’ feelin’ to go along with it.

Let’s Pray

Dear Lord, I so want to be a woman that is on fire for You. I want my spiritual passion to be ablaze and never cool. Likewise, I want my marriage to be a passionate example of Christ and the Church. Help me to always remember what drew me to my husband and show me ways to keep that love strong. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

What do You Think?

If you have kids, tell them the story of how you met and fell in love with your husband at the dinner table tonight.

If you aren’t married, tell someone how you met Jesus Christ and gave your life to Him.

If you are married, write down what drew you to your husband initially.

If you are not married, write down what you long for in the man of your dreams.

Let’s share some ideas.  Click over to my blog page and tell one way you keep the love alive in your marriage.

 Want More? 

14-Day Romancing Your Husband Challenge: How would you like to join your girlfriends in a 14-day Romancing Your Husband Challenge? Click over to click on the challenge sign-up button in the right column of the home page, and your 14-day challenge emails will begin. Come on girlfriend, February is the love month – it’s time to spice up your marriage.

February is the month of love and a wonderful time to contemplate our marriages. Do you want to become the woman of your husband’s dreams? The woman who makes him sorry to leave in the morning and eager to come home at night? Then you’ll want to read my book, Becoming the Woman of His Dreams – Seven Qualities Every Man Longs For.  In it I interviewed hundreds of men to find out what they really wanted, and many of their answers are in the book. They were honest. They were vulnerable. You might be surprised.



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Comments 15

  1. Our pastor is doing a series this month called “First Love” about us returning to Christ as our first love. I love when things I’m reading thru and studying line up!
    Something my husband and I started doing about 2 years ago, is SHMILY (See How Much I Love You). We pass it back and forth. I write it on his mirror in lipstick, he jots it on a slip of paper and tucks it in my bible for me to find later. One time I even had the media guy at our church put it at the bottom of one of his power point slides he was using for his sermon. You never know where it might pop up! 🙂

  2. I try to keep my marriage alive, by praying for my husband,& praying
    for us as a couple regularly. I tell my husband often, how much I love him,
    & all the wonderful things he does for me, for others & for us!
    Blessings, to everyone+

  3. I have been married for 40 years this year to my dear love. I can honestly say that not all of our months or years together have been what they could have been, We had a lot to learn about loving each other as Christ loves us, His church.
    We are experiencing a greater and deeper love for each other now with every passing year and are so thankful for the path that God has us on together but that took much work and so very many choices along the way to desire with our whole hearts to stay on that path God had intended for us.
    I have to say that one of the things that we do in our relationship is to remember we have many choices to make when it comes to being verbal with each other.
    Remembering that my tone and my timing when I share with him is vital. What is my tone of voice and when do I choose to share. It is too easy to shoot words with overwhelming emotion and not to consider whether I am choosing self control and kindness, love and care with my tone. What about the timing? Am I saying it “off the cuff” and bouncing my answers back and forth like a tennis match? Do I storm in the office and let him have it or is it a considered and prayerful moment to share that difficult thing or should I share at all?? I try to ask the Lord about that first..and our relationship is characterized but lovingkindness as a result.

  4. My husband is a non-believer. In fact, he believes that when you die, you get buried and that’s it! We are definitely on opposite ends of the spiritual spectrum. However, we have been married for almost 34 years! And I tell everyone, that is only by the Grace of God!! 8 years ago, I left my husband and our home. We were separated for over 3 months. But during my daily times with God, He told me in no uncertain terms, that He wanted me back there with my husband, and on January 16, 2005 I went back home where God said I belonged. He has me there for some very definite reasons. And He has resotred my love for my husband. Never mind what my husband does or how he acts. God has the plan, and I am following it. Our love for each other has grown much stronger, and God is still on the throne of my life, and Lord willing will be one day on the throne of my husband’s life too. I love your daily devotionals. Thank you so much for the encouragement. Looking forward to the emails too. God bless you for your obedience and your ministry to women. Colleen

  5. Yes a wife should respect her husband. A marriage is hard work and both people must work hard at it to make it work. It says in the bible the husband must cherish his wife as God would cherish us as his children.
    Seeing this devotion was hard for me. I left an unhealthy relationship and I stayed in a shelter for abuse women. Yes you should do what ever it takes to save a marriage. But sometimes its not enough.
    Since I left, I’ve gotten to learn Jesus in a way I never thought I could. I feel like I’ve been given a chance to finally know myself and God. Thats how it was for me in the end, it was a choice between myself and my relationship with God or or stay in an unheathy relationship. I chose myself and my relationship with God. My relationship with God is very important to me.

  6. Sharon:
    What a great topic. For so many people especially Single, Christian, women the pressure is put on us to find a spouse. Why can’t we just enjoy God, Jesus, and the Holy Ghost during our singleness. When I first came to the Lord on my Own, I was a mess, and even though I had been in and around the church it was not the same. I tried to emulate various people, prayer, and ways they worship but it wasn’t my own. I first realized that I could truly have a relationship with Christ for myself was when I gave birth to a 2lb-13 oz baby boy who need a respirator to breathe. He was born premature at 32 weeks. My encounter with the Lord was so amazing. I could literally feel his presence and his face upon mine during that difficult season and see his presence all over my son. Today that baby boy is 20 years old. He is a special needs young adult whose been raised in the Word of God. Although I have made some errors along the way, this time around with the Lord is sweeter than the first time and I truly can I really Love the Lord. He is true to his nature, character, and word all day and night long. He is truly worthy to praised. God Bless and Keep Inspiring Women.

  7. So what do you do if you Love your husband with all your heart but you no longer like him because life has you so hardened from things that have happened and you cant get past those to see him like you use to. The closer you try to get the further away he pushes you. But in the same breath tells you how much He loves you. Loves me for what ? staying with him 21 years? Not feeling that loving feeling. Commitment has been there for me, but now I am wondering if commitment is enough? I am a lonely married women. Feeling or no feeling that is not fun.

  8. We will be married 17 years next month. Unfortunately, no kids, but not for lack of trying and heartbreak. However, we still love each other deeply, but it’s not a giddy type of love we had when we first met. This man and I have grown way beyond that. We are LIFE PARTNERS. We work together to make life easier for each of us. We depend on each other to pick up where the other leaves off. If I forget to do something, he will remember, if I make a mess, he comes along and cleans it up, and vice versa. We truly complete each other. Sure, there might be another man out there who might be more of this or less of that, but this man is the man God chose for me, and for better or worse, we are in this for the long haul. It’s not always easy, but nothing worth having ever is. Sometimes, that “settled in boring ole steadfast, routine” type of relationship is exactly the thing about which marriage is made for. Someone who will always be there, someone I can count on, and to grow old with. Lord, I love this man deeply and thank you every day for bringing him into (and keeping him in) my life!

  9. Well said Sister Brenda, praying for you!
    I’m not married but have always thought of our LORD JESUS as being mine and everybody’s PERFECT VALENTINE! GOD IS always faithful, compassionate and willing to take care of our every need, there is no greater Valentine than our LORD, and the HOLY BIBLE, HIS WORD says we are even seen as the apple of HIS eye! How awesome is that!!!
    Romans 8:37-39 (NIV) “37 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. 38 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the furture, nor any powers, 39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Jesus Christ our Lord.” =)

  10. Sharon when I met my husband we were singing on the choir. I needed a date for an affair my job gave every year. When he picked me up he was wearing the same colors I was wearing. Everyone thought we had told each other what we were going to wear. This is my 3rd husband but he is my true love. I have been with him longer than anyone else. I love him more now than I did 17 years ago!!!

  11. I have been married for 3 1/2 years, and I can truly say that I love my husband more each day. We are always telling people how we met. We are always talking to each other about how we met and what we felt at that time. We celebrate Valentine’s Day every year by going to the restaurant that we had our first date at. We take a trip every year on our Anniversary to where we celebrated our honeymoon. We are always hiding poems and songs for each other to find, and sending each other love emails. We always thank each other for our love and how we treat each other. I think the main thing is to continuously remind each other of why you love them, and still do and not to take them for granted, EVER.

  12. Thank-you for your fresh idea’s on romancing our husbands. It was a great experiance. I try romancing him from time to time anyways. I loved the new idea’s and I know that it ment a lot to my husband. I believe I saw a change in him. I love building my husband up and being his helpmate so he can be all that God created him to be! He is the love of my life, right after Jesus! Thank-you for taking your time to encourage other christian women. God bless you!

  13. Sharon, after 47 years I think I’m done. The hurtful comments and lack of communication has finally gotten to the point it doesn’t hurt as bad as it used to. We are “just room mates” and I really am happier not even being in the room with him. The sad thing is that he’s a wonderful man; he just has never allowed me IN, if you know what I mean. We go days without hardly a word and he’s happy with that. He’s said some hurtful things recently that has made me stop going to church with him. I’ve always been involved with different ministries and he accused me of being a know it all, wanting my own way, not approachable, etc. He knew just which buttons to push. So, I’ve withdrawn from helping at church since obviously there is a problem I wasn’t even aware of. I really thought I was doing God’s work…using my talents for Him. I don’t have the energy for this struggle.

  14. You are the apple of HIS eye!!!
    Zechariah 2:8 (New International Version-NIV)
    “8 FOr this is what the LORD Almighty says: “After the Glorious One has sent me against
    the nations that have plundered you—for whoever touches you touches the apple of His eye—”
    I Peter 5:7 (NIV)
    “7 Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you.” 🙂

  15. It is Feb. 19th, so I am late signing up! But I have just read the first Romancing Devotion and so convicted! You said to love your husband “well”. I don’t love him as well as I do my 4 little grandaughters! I put them before him, and tend to make sure I always love them WELL! I am so sorry right now as the Lord shows me my fault in not putting how I love first and foremost in my life! My husband never complains, but I am sure he sees it.I did purchase the Book Becoming the woman of His Dreams, so I plan to start it right away! Than you for your words Sahron!!

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