The last few weeks have gotten away from me, and I didn’t post on my blog. So I’m going to post all of the infertility/broken dreams posts at once! If you know someone who has struggled in this area, it will be a great place for them to come and read to see that they are not alone. And even if you broken dream doesn’t relate to having or not having children, there is something here for you too. Here we go!
“The LORD is faithful to all his promises and loving toward all he has made” (Psalm 145:13b NIV).
Friend to Friend
I can still remember cuddling, rocking and singing to my favorite baby dolls when I was a little girl. I’d love them until their nylon hair was matted, their single outfits were tattered, and their painted cheeks were marred. I’d bandage their knees, kiss their heads, and teach them important life lessons.
Most little girls dream of one day being a mommy. In the hundreds of surveys I collected for the book, 5 Dreams of Every Woman…and How God Wants to Fulfill Them, to be a mommy was the number one dream. And of all the dreams of a woman, this one can be the cause of the most pain. Not being able to have children, rebellion of the children we do have, or losing a child due to miscarriage, stillbirth, or untimely death can be one of the most heart wrenching experiences of a woman’s life. It hits at the very core of womanhood.
After I was married, my dream to be a mother began to grow. It seemed my arms ached to have a child to nurture, love, and pour my life into. When I was twenty-six, Steve and I decided it was time to increase our family of two. We conceived on our first attempt, and nine months later, Steven Hugh Jaynes, Jr. came screaming into the world. As I nestled that baby boy with a shock of thick black hair and long Bambi-like eye lashes against my breast, I knew I was holding God’s first deposit in His great plan for my life – to be a mother. I had never felt more fulfilled in my life and I was certain I was “born to bear.” When Steven was about two-years-old, we began praying for baby number two.
“Steven,” we explained, “God is the one who gives babies to mommies and daddies, so we are going to pray that He will send us another ‘Jaynes baby’ so you can have a little brother or sister.”
This sounded like a good idea to him, so he added, “And God please send mommy and daddy another ‘Jaynes baby’” at the end of our family prayers each night. Conception happened so easily the first time, we thought this would be a wonderful opportunity to show Steven how God answers prayer.
Six months passed, and there was no news of another Jaynes baby on the way. Then one year passed with no news. Then two years passed with no news. During that time we began traveling down the frustrating road of doctor visits, infertility treatments and timed intimacy (which is anything but intimate.) We also began building our dream home with bedrooms for four children and a children’s bathroom with two sinks so the brood wouldn’t argue about whose turn it was. When the house was near completion, I walked from room to room. “Please Lord,” I prayed, “don’t let us move into this house without the hope of children to fill it.” My heart felt as empty as those bedrooms that seemingly would have no children occupying them.
God did not answer my prayer as I had hoped. After many years of infertility treatment and heart-wrenching, faith-filled prayer, the children’s bedrooms remained empty, the blankets unruffled, and the dream unfulfilled. It appeared there would be no more children. While Steven was everything I could have ever hoped for wrapped up in one package, my desire to have a houseful of little ones was not God’s will. Was I thankful for the child I did have? Absolutely, but that did not negate the desire in my heart to be a mother of many.
Sometimes life doesn’t turn out like we had hoped, but let me assure you of this: “The LORD is faithful to all his promises and loving toward all he has made” (Psalm 145:13 NIV). Join me tomorrow as I continue the lessons learned through my journey of infertility.
Dear Lord, sometimes life just doesn’t turn out like I thought it would, but I am trusting You. I know that You know what is best for me. I know that You have great plans and dreams for my life that I could never even imagine. Help me to see Your plan and listen to Your voice.
In Jesus’ Name,
Now It’s Your Turn
Did you play with baby dolls when you were a little girl?
Did you have a dream about having children? What did it look like?
How is your reality different from your little girl dream?