Turning Why Me Into What Now

Sharon JaynesGod's love, Trusting God 31 Comments

My son and I sat on the floor in his room playing Rummy. We had just a few minutes before rushing off to register for his summer swim class and wanted to get in one more round of play. This summer was proving to be the best ever. Our Golden Retriever, Ginger, had just delivered seven adorable puppies, Steven was enjoying his sixth summer of life, and after four years of the heartache of negative pregnancy tests, God had surprised us with a new life growing inside my womb.

But as Steven and I sat on the floor, I felt a warm sticky sensation run down my leg. A trip to the bathroom confirmed my greatest fear.

Later that afternoon, our baby died, and is now waiting for us in heaven.

What began as a summer full of life and joy, quickly turned into a season of great loss and sadness. I mourned for that child for which I had prayed. I felt the ache of empty arms.

I once heard someone say, “I never knew I could miss someone that I had never met.” Now I understood. We never knew for sure, but in my heart, I felt that the baby had been a little girl.

During those summer months, I went through the grieving process step-by-step.  I’ll admit that I was angry at God for “taunting” me with this gift of a child and then taking her away. But through the months and years that followed, God taught me many lessons about myself, about Him, and about trusting in His unfailing love.

I believe that when we go through a trial that wounds us deeply, God can use it to teach us valuable lessons. Some of those lessons are a deeper understanding of who God is, of who we are, and of what we truly believe.

Our faith grows in the petri dish of struggles in the laboratory of life.

One of my most valuable lessons, through all my wounds and scars, was a decision to stop saying “why me?” and to begin saying “what now?” But the lesson that continues to reverberate like a gentle thunder is the truth of God’s unfailing love.

During the months that followed the loss of our child, I struggled with God. Just as Jacob wrestled with God through his dark night of the soul, I wrestled as well.

How could He love me and allow this to happen? Why would God withhold my dream? Is He able? Is He kind? Is He really there?

It was a dry summer…in my heart and soul. No one could help me, comfort me, or lift me out of my deep pit of sadness. And while I didn’t want to talk to God, He never left my side. Patiently, He waited for me to cry out to Him…to say, I will trust you even though I do not understand.

It is easy to trust God when life is skipping happily along. It is a deeper faith that forms when the skipping halts to the slow crawl of despair. Honestly, I never enjoy the struggles, but I do revel in the deeper understanding of God that is forged in the fire.

As Peter wrote, “In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory, and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed” (1 Peter 1:6-7 NIV).

Dear Lord, sometimes things happen in my life that I just don’t understand. But I know You hold the box top to the puzzle pieces, and You know how the pieces all fit together. I trust You, Lord. Though Your ways may twist and turn as through a maze, I know that You make no mistakes. You are good…all the time. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

Leave a comment and share what you are trusting God with today.

Sometimes life doesn’t turn out like we thought it would. But God doesn’t want us to get stuck in our sorrow. He longs to turn our pain into purpose, our hurt into hope, and our miseries into ministry. But the only way He can do that is if we are willing to give Him the broken pieces of our shattered dreams and allow Him to make a beautiful mosaic from the shards. Are you ready? Now’s the time. You can learn how to do just that in my book, Your Scars are Beautiful to God:  Finding Peace and Purpose in the Hurts of Your Past.

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Comments 31

  1. greetings!
    May I request special prayers for:
    Adel Layugan, Riza Espinosa and Me-an Agapito.
    they have been barren for more than 7 years and they are hurting.

    “Dearest ABBA, please open their wombs and bless them.
    glory to You alone!”

    praying for you, Sharon..

  2. I am trusting God to help me understand ‘ challenges’ I’m facing in my marriage and the lessons he wants me to learn.

  3. I am trust God to ease the pain of losing my oldest daughter. The hardest part to understand why He would take her leaving a precious 4month old baby boy. She also had two sons and a daughter she left. But I have to trust the Lord knows what He is doing

  4. I am trusting that the Lord will make a way to pay the monthly bills of living with the limited disability income we receive. We live modestly but yet the bills still amount to more than our income. I trust in him each day for guidance and strength not to worry! Through him all things are possible!

  5. I can definitely relate to your story today. Though it’s been many years (oh my, over 42 now!), I recall years of infertility with its dashed hopes month after disappointing month. Now in my late 60’s, it’s a struggle with chronic pain. But I draw close to God and I know He is walking with me on this journey just as He has with every other life trial. My pain is a pittance compared to what He suffered for me on the cross! He calls me to be thankful in all things, and I know so many others suffer far worse things in life, whether physical or mentally. I remain content…in His keeping, until I see Him face to face.

    1. Barbara, Thank you for your testimony. I relate to your chronic pain and needed to read the words how it’s a pittance to what Christ suffered. I’m trying to remain thankful and content in all things.

  6. The trial I’m facing right now is that my husband was just diagnosed with anal cancer. It’s hard to watch his pain. We will be assigned an oncologist soon, perhaps today, and then learn what come next. We need your prayers. We are both followers of Jesus and know that He is in control. Thank you.

  7. I am struggling as both of my children suffer with chronic lyme disease and other infections related to it. I have watched them miss their teenage years and struggle daily just to do basic things. I am trying to maintain my faith in God but after 7 years of pain and illness – it is hard. I would appreciate your prayers as today we travel to see a 2 doctors to look for answers. Thank you.

  8. You will never know how much I needed this this morning. It’s been awhile since I felt the peace and joy and I really think that I should be feeling right now but I know it’s coming I just have to wait on the Lord. So many trials. Thank you for posting this I needed it.

  9. Struggling to let my relationships with my grown children settle. Now that I see that in print, I’ll be the first one to admit that it’s all kind of confusing. Both my children are now adults with relationships of their own. Both of them asked Jesus into their hearts as children and I know when Jesus comes into a heart, He doesn’t leave. Whatever choices they are making now in their lives, I need to have respect for those choices, even when I don’t agree with them. My husband is very quiet and doesn’t say much about anything, so I feel often as if I am alone in these thoughts. I do pray for both of them that someone else might reach them with the truth where I haven’t been able to. And that if they truly aren’t believers, that they will come to Christ or come back if they have just strayed so far they both think they can never be reached.

  10. In the most of waiting to move forward on a certain relationship, abandoned it, Wait on GOD, or if GOD is telling me to abandon, stop, or move. I’m praying for strength and increase Faith. I’m also praying for GOD’S Devine intervention, as the negative thoughts are difficult for me to bring captive and make them obedient to GOD’S WORD! May GOD CONTINUES TO BLESS AND PROSPER us

  11. I’m still struggling but am trusting God to help me make wise decisions concerning my parents one with dementia and one on his way to losing his memory. They are 87 and 88 yrs. My father was a severe alcoholic very mean and nasty and only thinks of himself. Even though he has stopped drinking he still has the same mean disposition and attitude. Taking care of them brings back the memories of abuse so I struggle with resentment that I now have to care for them. My brother is no help.
    I am also trusting the Lord to bless my daughter with a child. She suffers with infertility and did get pregnant with a little girl who died when my daughter was 40 weeks pregnant from a tear in her umbilical cord. She has tried several times since to get pregnant all with negative results.

  12. I lost my husband 9yrs ago he committed suicide friends set me up on a date and I told them that I’m not ready and I know they mean well because they want me to be happy.. I told my friends and my friends from my ladies bible study group if I’m going to get married again it has to come from God and his a Christian.. I met someone and his a Christian and also a widower his a US military I pray and ask God if he is the one for and to give me peace in my heart and God did..The guy is coming again to see me on April to talk about our future.. Pls pray for us his name is Daniel

  13. I recently divorced an abusive marriage and I am currently trusting God for direction and provision when I relocate to another state (later this month) to start my life anew!!!

  14. Throughout my life I have had a lot of why me days, months, years but through them all God has been by my side teaching, redirecting , and loving me through them all. These trying, crying, self doubting times are Gods way of molding me to be not who I was was but who I can be and will be in the future. Every part of my Christian Faith, belief, and walk with him has been a step by step process but I’m still stepping to God’s promises.

  15. Thanking God his mercies are new every morning. Praying my husband will accept Jesus Christ as his personal Savior. Then remove his negative attitude and grudges he carries around which causes him so much pain. He’s a good man. We’ve been married 40 years. Praying for you Sharon.

  16. I am trusting God that he will remove my husbands anger and that our marriage can be restored. And for my husband to accept Christ into his heart.

  17. My husband and I lost our 18 year old daughter in a car accident in Oct.2018. My husband’s parents were in the other car involved in the accident. We are trusting God, knowing we will never understand why, but knowing God is taking care of her now, and way better than we ever could. We just miss her.

  18. I am trusting you God that you know what you are doing. I don’t understand why my dad had a successful t-cell transplant for his cancer but then got an infection to the brain that has left him brain damaged. I don’t understand why my mom is now struggling to make ends meet and is close to losing everything. I don’t understand why my 16 month old daughter got meningitis and left this world way too early. I don’t understand any of the tragedies I have had to face.But God I will trust you and rejoice in you and know that You’ve got this! God is good!

  19. Hi Sharon ,
    I loss my son at age 24. My husband and I found him in his room at his house . Feb15,2018. I felt a part of me die that day . My heart fell completely apart . Shattered . He never shown nothing but smiles , love and loved and lived life to the fulliest ! The GBI ruled it a Suicide . No note no warning ! Please continue to post your stories of losing a child . A loss of a child at any stage in life is MIND AND HEART ALTERING ! But God has been right there . He tells us in his word … Psalm 139 Joshua … Isaiah … he knew us before we were born , he will never leave us or forsake us . May someone read this Agony from a mother and know God is there and he is not leaving . Even if it don’t make sense. God Bless ❤️

    1. Thanks for sharing my mom loved your comment. We lost my brother to suicide in December. No note from him. Suicidal thoughts are truly a mental illness/ disease. God has been so comforting to us during this difficult time

  20. Sharon that was just me 47 years ago when we sadly lost our baby girl at 8 1/2 months into pregnancy and it’s hard. But it is true we call day why me? And question but I used my horrible experience to help others who have been in similar circumstances. You have confirmed in your word to me, I actually wrote a piece to share in church exactly what you have said. God is still using me through this heartbreak so many years later. We have an amazing God.

  21. I lost my job after almost 20 years, my 20 year old son is having a homosexual relationship, my husband found out at 51 years old that the man that he knows as his dad is not his biological father, my 23 year old is unhappy in his current job and COVID has been going on all along during this difficult times, my dad suffered a heart attack and I haven’t been able to travel to see him. It’s just been a rough year to say the least. I am trusting God to get us all through this. My chest has been on fire from the anxiety since I found out my job was taken away from me. Please pray for my family.

  22. I am 44 and going through issues in my marriage and it’s just barely 5yrs, still trusting God for children and in a loveless and lonely marriage with a man who does nothing but tries to find ways to make me miserable. I am trusting God to give me the grace and strength to trust in Him completely and to hold on to the fact that He hasn’t left me or forsaken me because that’s how I feel right now, abandoned and rejected.

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