How to Make Sure Your Husband Doesn’t Feel Like He’s An Afterthought

Sharon JaynesMarriage, Motherhood, Uncategorized 30 Comments

Last night a group of friends gathered to watch the Super Bowl. The guys watched the game in my friend’s basement man cave. The girls gathered in the den.

The game was on, but we didn’t really watch very much of it. The conversation mainly focused on kids and grandkids.

At one point, my husband emerged from the cave and squeezed in beside me on the couch.

We just cuddled for a minute.

When he went back downstairs, one of the gals said, “My husband would probably faint if I went downstairs and put my arm around him.”

“Hmmm,” I replied. “I’ve got just the thing for you.”

We chatted about A 14-Day Romance Challenge, and she said she was going to give it a try.

The conversation reminded me of something I wrote in the book. Take a look…

Remember that old childhood chant,

(Girl’s name) and (boy’s name) sitting in the tree
First comes love,
Then comes marriage,
Then comes baby in the baby carriage.

Did you ever wonder why there wasn’t a second verse? I think a lot of husbands do.

I’ll admit, when my son, Steven, came into the world, it was a challenge not to pour all my energy and attention into that little bundle of love that held my heart in his tiny hand.

I think there were times when my husband wondered where he fit in my heart once our first child was born. And he’s not the only guy who’s felt that way.

Rob Parsons, author of The Sixty Minute Marriage Builder, wrote about the adjustment his marriage went through after the birth of their first child.

I have sympathy for the person who said, “Insanity is hereditary—you get it from your kids!” I don’t think I could love my children more, but why didn’t anybody warn my wife and me of the changes they were going to cause in our relationship? One minute Diane and I were spending our evenings taking walks together, visiting friends, and reading in front of the fire. The next we were walking the halls at midnight singing nursery rhymes and dealing with postpartum depression—in me!

A mother should never feel guilty for putting her husband before her children. I grew up in a very volatile home where my parents fought on a regular basis.

They vacillated between heated arguments and passive-aggressive silence. I felt like our home was teetering on a fault-line and I never knew when the big one was going to hit. There were many.

As a child, I would have given anything to know my parents loved each other—that my daddy was Mom’s priority and my mom was his.

When I was six years old, my favorite aunt took me shopping to buy my mom a present, and I picked out a very revealing nightgown.

Everyone got a big laugh out of my selection. But in my little girl heart, I thought that if my mom wore the nightie, then maybe dad would like her. Then maybe she would like him. And maybe everything would be OK.

That’s what I really wanted more than anything.

So when my son, Steven, was born, I wanted to make sure that he knew that his mommy and daddy were crazy about each other.

A child requires more time and energy than a grown man, but a skillful wife assures her guy he is still number one in her heart.

Most likely your man is not going to express his disappointment about playing second fiddle to the kids, but friend, he told me.

Maybe not your husband, but hundreds just like him. A while back I did a survey with men to find out what they longed for in a wife. Here’s what three respondents had to say:

I wish my wife and I spent more time together without the kids. —Randy

What is one thing my wife does well? She cares for the children (sometimes too much). —Matt

I wish my wife understood my need to be her first priority, after Jesus and BEFORE the kids or other outside interests. —Craig

And then there’s the comment from this man about how his wife went the extra mile to make sure he knew he was number one.

My wife and I have been married for more than 12 years. During this time we’ve had three children and have gone through periods where she worked outside the home or stayed with the children. For the entire period, she has not failed to wake up early in the morning to spend time with me and fix me breakfast before I go to work. This has meant a lot to me. —Travis

Don’t let that new little man in your life dethrone the ruling king. And make sure that little princess who stole your husband’s heart knows you’re still the queen.

Here are a few ideas from my book, A 14-Day Romance Challenge to let your husband know that he’s now an afterthought in your life, but still holds the key to your heart.

  • Text your husband a love note with a hashtag such as #crazyaboutmyman, #crazyinlove, #hunkyhusband, or #happywife.
  • Sneak his car to the car wash. Then leave a note on the steering wheel that says, “I love you. Enjoy your clean car today!”
  • Purchase a bottle of the cologne he wore when you were dating and give it to him as a surprise. Just the idea that you remembered it will stir his heart. He’ll feel like Romeo just putting it on.
  • Go by his workplace and slip a “ticket” under his windshield wiper. Write the following: “You have been cited for being the most amazing man in the world.” Sign it, Officer (your name).
  • Plan a date night at your favorite restaurant or even an overnight in a hotel. Give your husband a note that says, “I want you all to myself.” Don’t talk about the kids or grandkids for at least 24 hours.

Leave a comment and tell one way that have you let your husband know that he is a priority in your life. Or if that’s an area that you need to work on, leave a comment and tell one way you will let him know that he is a priority in your life.
I’ll randomly pick one comment
and give away a free copy of my new book, A 14-Day Romance Challenge: Reigniting Passion in Your Marriage.

And for a limited time, check out the Valentine’s Day Bundle!



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Comments 30

  1. I get my husband up every morning for work. Give him his uniform, and make his coffee. 2:30am Monday-Friday. On the weekends he makes me coffee. Married 20 years this coming September!!!!

  2. I would Whatsapp my husband a love note with a hashtag such as #crazyaboutmyman

    I will also go by his workplace and slip a “ticket” under his windshield wiper and I will write the following: “You have been cited for being the most amazing man in the world.” Sign it, Officer (Abigail Aruna).

  3. I love this little book! When I went through it, there were some things that I do on a regular basis for my hubby, but there were also some great ideas that I have never thought of. The 14 Day Romance Challenge has been an awesome way to remind my husband of how much I love him, adore him, and still enjoy romancing him! Thank you Sharon!

  4. I love this! While I am far from stellar in this area, there are a few things I have learned along the way that have helped my husband to know he’s a priority. We have been leaving little notes for each other every workday for almost 12 years now. Since our schedules can often be at odds, it’s one small way we connect each day☺ Last year I made the decision to get up at 4:40 am 2 days a week to allow us time to pray together. (our 3d day is Sunday). It is well worth the loss of sleep to have that time to connect with God as a couple!

  5. Hi, Sharon!
    When we marry, we make a covenant with God that we let no man (nor child) come between us. First we must honor our covenant with God. It’s been said that the best gift one can give to a child is a mother & father who show love for each other.
    Some guys are just not very demonstrative, but taking a wife’s car in for an oil change often means, “I love you and I want you to be safe.” Not all guys are the touchy-feely kind and we need to appreciate them for who they are.
    Unfortunately, I found this out too late.
    Fortunately, God gave me a second chance with the most wonderful Christian man who married me and took on my 3 sons. It became especially important that our focus was on our marriage. We needed to be a team!
    The sons grew up & moved on and we are as close as ever. Praise the Lord!
    Thanks for your inspirational messages, Sharon.

  6. My husband and I will not fortunate enough to be blessed with the children that we wanted and had planned to have. I find as a couple without children that sometimes the mundane routine can get in the way of romance and even without children sometimes it’s difficult to make time for each other. I restarted the 14-day romance challenge at the beginning of the month and I’ve been following a long on Facebook. There are times when I feel like I’m the more romantic one and that I wish my husband would take the romance challenge for himself. Can this romance challenge be applied for men as well? There are some of the comments that I’ve seen that the husband say that I find myself saying

  7. Every morning I make my husband’s lunch while he makes his smoothie. When he comes home from work I greet him with a smile and kiss.

  8. I need definitely need to work on this. It takes so much energy to be a good, attentive, loving, patient mom that I feel depleted with nothing left for my husband 🙁 No bueno. Need to work on this. I’m going to leave my man a note on the bathroom mirror for when he wakes up tomorrow!

  9. This is SO HARD. I mean, I KNOW I need to put him first (after God), but there are so many things that want to be first! After cooking meals, trying to do a good job at work, raising the kids, keeping the house clean, spending time with God, trying to workout so I’m not overweight, pouring emotional energy into my health issues, helping my parents, etc. I’m not sure where everything is supposed to fit in a 24 hour day. Not to mention when I plan dates, spending money takes the joy out of it for my husband. And lets not even go to trying to establish and maintain women friends. Yeah right! And somewhere in this, the world says I’m also supposed to meditate, find some “me time” to explore my passions, and sleep for 8 hours a night. I hope heaven is a sleep number bed with freshly washed bedding and super soft pillows where I can sleep for 2 weeks straight. I envy Rip Van Winkle!

    I can’t be the only one feeling like a hamster on a wheel… Am I?

  10. Thanks Sharon. A good reminder. We will be celebrating our 10 year wedding anniversary this month. We are planning an evening for just the two of us! Now I can understand how important it is to appreciate my Christian and godly husband. What a great gift from God!

  11. These are great ideas, but I am a working mother and many are not possible – we work on opposite ends of town and have few chances to leave work. I am trying to change my attitude and focus on romancing my husband, but to be quite honest my initial reaction to reading this is that my husband needs to read it for me. He is so focused on our son (which is awesome -he is a great dad) that I feel placed on the back burner and want to quit trying. I have tried to tell him how I feel and that our relationship needs to be a priority and his response is , “our focus is our son (who is 1) right now, he needs us”.
    I have been leaving him notes and trying to be more touch feel-y (he did let me know his need for more touch) but I don’t see it making any difference yet . . .

  12. my husband and I have been married 35 years this month! every weekday morning, I make his breakfast and I make and pack his lunch for work every day; not because i have to, but because I want to. but even that becomes routine over the years. even just in the last couple weeks I find myself thinking I need to find new ways and new things to do, to let him know how much I love him and that he is still, after 35 years, my #1. your little tips have helped and I feel an excitement about trying different things. would love to have this book!

  13. Your daily blog gives me hope. My husband and I have been going to a Christian counselor for 10 months. Hopefully, I’ll be chosen to receive the Valentine Bundle to help me work on our marriage!

  14. God is doing something big in my heart right now. I have pressed into Jesus continuing to trust Him no matter what has happened or what I’m seeing and in doing this I sense God helping me. One thing that has recently happened is a situation with my husband and I. He is an avid Disc Golfer and likes for me to go with him and on occasions, I do go with him. We have a different approach with how we play the game. His style is serious and competitive. My style is light heart and fun. So, I have not always enjoyed this time because it seems to get so tense. Well one thing I noticed is he likes to instruct and teach me on how to get better and of course I have resisted this. Well I believe the Lord gave me a good thought a few weeks back that said, “Why not let him teach you? Who cares how long one hole takes or how long I need to redo a throw if he is willing to teach me”. Well let me tell you, something amazing has started to happen, we are having a blast!! I mean it, a blast! We laugh, talk and are completely enjoying our time together. This coming up Saturday will be our 4th Saturday to go disc golf together and I can’t wait! Saturday mornings are now our time together. This past Saturday we even grabbed a breakfast before. I’m so thankful that God is so patient with me and willing to keep teaching, loving, correcting and instructing me. I’m seeing as I calm down and just keep going to Him and laying myself and others at His feet, He is now able to reach me because I can hear Him encouraging and loving me through my times with Him and through His word. God is so good and faithful. Thank you for this timely reminder and your encouraging word. We can’t wish ourselves happy, we have to be purposeful about it.

  15. My husband and I have been married 28 years. After 8 years of having an empty nest and just the two of us we currently have our adult daughter and her three children 7, 5, and 3 years old living with us. My husband has a really early job he gets up at 4:30 am. I get up at 6 a.m. He is in bed by 8:30 p.m. and I am in bed at 10:30 p.m. even when it was only the two of us this was still the case. But we had all that time between when we got home from work until his bedtime to hang out together. I don’t see this being fixed until our daughter and grandkids move out. My husband and I still have a date night every Friday. We grab little bits of conversation and time whenever we can. I miss what we had.

  16. Sharon, your book has been the blessing that I have been praying for in my marriage. Your book is eye-opening. I am only on day 2 and my husband is responding to me in amazing and loving ways. While I feel so sad for neglecting my husband for so long, I am hopeful that your book and all the wonderful suggestions will stay with me long after we complete the 14 day challenge.

  17. Hi Sharon, this message is so right on with what we were just sharing with a granddaughter visiting us the past few days. We shared this with her and she is going to read it and use it in encouraging some of the young couples in her family. I have over the years found ways to let Charley know how special he is and that he is a priority. I would be sure that our bedroom was always picked up and straight not allowing it to become a mess with books or clothing lying around. I did with the whole house, always had it straight (not white glove clean but straight). I knew that this mattered to him so I wanted to please and bless him.

  18. My husband works the 3-11pm shift and I work the day shift. I make dinner every night as if he was home so he can have nutritious meal daily during the week. I will start working on this though after 38 years of marriage, 3 kids and 13 grandkids and taking care of our parents we stay pretty busy but need to focus on us too..

  19. I didn’t grow up in an environment where my parents showed us their love and so therefore, I’m the same way with my husband. I feel so uncomfortable and it hurts me because I know that he wants me to be affectionate but it’s so hard for me. I know I need to work on this. I need help!!!

    1. Post

      Madeleine, I grew up in a family where my parents didn’t even like each other. You can do it. Don’t allow your past to determine your present. Honey. If I can do it, anybody can!

  20. I write love notes and hid them in his lunch or under his pillow for him to discover! He will text me after he has found the note in his lunch telling me how much he appreciated the not and how much he loves me!

  21. I leave notes for my husband when he leaves on trips and leave mints and gum in his car. Just small reminders how much I love him.

  22. It has been difficult letting my husband know that he is number one in my life this last year and ¾ as I have been battling cancer and that seemed to take over first priority for both he and I in our lives. Now we are finding it difficult to reconnect in the same way that we did before. I know the love is still there just not sure how to rekindle it to be as it was and how it should be

  23. I got a card for my husband and wrote how much I love and appreciate him and how much he means to me. He told me he re-read my card 4 times within the next couple days!!

  24. I am rekindling a 7 year engagement and need some help. He has 6 children I have 5 n 9 grand babies between the 2 of us. He and I have been working on our relationships with God n are now ready to move forward. Would love a copy of your book to help. He just told me today He needs to come before kids I was angry n hurt n now I read this n God is very kind to order my footsteps thank you!

  25. It took 3 kids, 2 separations and 10 years for God to open my eyes to how I was making my husband feel less than honored and desired as my husband. It’s a battle and one I’m learning to conquer and my prayer now is that my husband will trust me enough t accept my offerings of love. I try to show him in little and sometimes big ways that I love him and want him home with us but he has hardened his heart towards me and God. The most romantic thing I do now for him and will continue to do is PRAY. I’ve learned this is no small thing and at this point, God is the only one that can transforms my husband’s heart.

  26. Wonderful ideas and I love praying for husbands straight from scripture! I have an added suggestion. Learn to enjoy what they enjoy- at least one thing. I hear women talk about how sports takes away their husbands. Watch it with them! Find a sport you like doing together. Tennis? Golf? Biking? I see gatherings – especially Christian gatherings- segregated often when the gathering is to watch sports. Why is this? We went over to some friends house for the Super Bowl and I was the only woman watching it. I sat down next to my husband on the sofa. We enjoy watching sports together. I admit, it felt awkward at first. Why should we always segregate according to stereotypes? Perhaps if we started there – understanding stereotypes vs what is really biblical, marriages would be stronger.

  27. A woman called me to tell me that for about two years she had been dating my boyfriend. Needless to say I was heartbroken. I knew he had moments of ignoring me, He left 6 weeks ago after I followed him and finally caught him waiting for the lady at a hotel. After the confrontation, …this made me sick and my problem became very difficult and but after the love spell from Dr.mack, my relationship was restored instantly, I was happy that the outcome was fantastic, only 3 days after [dr_mack@ yahoo. com] started it all. Never in my life have I thought this would work so fast. My man reconcile with me and he started acting completely different, I feel happy once again, and like never before. It felt so good to have my boyfriend back again, Thanks to DR MACK……………………………🙏🙏🙏

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