Set Free

“You will know the truth, and the truth will set you free,” (John 8:32 NIV).

 For fifteen years, Leeanne was emotionally and verbally abused by her mother. Every day she heard that she was a stupid worthless failure. Her mother told her that she was “ugly” and “fat” and “not good enough.” “No man will ever want you,” she scorned.

Leeanne grew up afraid of women and hating herself. “Why can’t I be different?” she wondered.  She believed her mother’s estimation of her and lived in defeat. Leeanne grabbed attention any way she could, and by the time she was twenty-three, she had three abortions on her medical record. The guilt and shame of those abortions compounded her feelings of worthlessness.

But something amazing happened to Leeanne when she was twenty-four. She accepted Jesus as her Lord and Savior and became a new creation. She knew that God forgave her the moment she asked – totally and completely. However, Satan continued to remind her of the terrible mistakes of her past.  How could I have killed my children?  What would my friends think if they knew the truth? I can never let anyone know about my past. Some things are simply unforgivable in human eyes.

 Leeanne met and married a wonderful Christian man. They began their life of ministry as he pastored a church in a small community. God blessed them with three wonderful children, but still the shame of her past lingered.

“I felt so unworthy of my husband’s love,” she said. “I felt I wasn’t good enough to be his wife.  I never told him about my past. It was a secret that weighed me down.”

Leeanne went to a women’s retreat and picked up one of my books, Your Scars are Beautiful to God.  For the first time, she began to heal from the wounds her mother had inflicted on her little girl heart.  She realized that is was Satan who continued to taunt her with those lies and make her feel as if they were true. Then she did something that really made the enemy mad.  She forgave her mother. Even though her mother had since died, she forgave her as if she were standing before her that very day.

Leeanne imagined Jesus erasing away all her faults, especially the ones that her mother had so maliciously written on the chalkboard of her mind. “All gone,” she said. “I’m set free.”

But there was one more step to Leeanne’s freedom. See, as long as she kept her past a secret, she would never be totally free. “I prayed all day and night for the courage to tell my husband about the three abortions, and I finally did. No one in the world knew about the abortions but me.  I had to tell my husband the secret so Satan could not use it against me any longer.”

“Finally, I did it. I told him the truth. But he did not react the way I imagined he would. He held me in his arms and cried. ‘I can’t believe you have held on to this for so long alone,’ he said.”

Leeanne went on to say…

“I am no longer shameful. I am pure.”

“I am no longer ugly. I am beautiful.”

“I am no longer unlovable. I am dearly loved.”

Leeanne recognized the lies. Leeanne rejected the lies. Leeanne replaced the lies with truth. She is now walking in the truth as a holy, chosen, dearly loved, child of God.

 Let’s Pray

Dear LORD,   thank You for setting me free from condemnation.  Thank you for Your grace – receiving the gift I don’t deserve, and for mercy – not receiving the punishment I do deserve.  Thank You for making me a new creation in Christ – pure, holy, cleansed. In Jesus’ Name, amen.

What do Your Think? 

Is there some secret in your life that the enemy is holding over you?

Do you want to be free?

Often, an important step to freedom, after receiving God’s forgiveness, is telling someone and using what you have been through to help others. Then the enemy can’t use it against you any longer. If you don’t have a trusted friend with whom to share, I would like to be that friend. You can simply e-mail me and tell me how God has forgiven you. You can write me directly at Sharon@localhost/sjold. If you would like to tell your story publically (and I encourage you to do so) click over to my blog page, look for this blog entry, and share your story with your sisters.

 Want More? 

Do you want to experience the freedom that Leeanne experienced in her life? It begins with recognizing the lies and replacing them with the truth. It’s time to renew your mind and think God’s thoughts rather than being held in bondage by the enemy’s deceptions. If you would like help on that journey, check out my book, I’m Not Good Enough…and Other Lies Women Tell Themselves.   Also, if you have wounds in your life that have yet to heal, Your Scars are Beautiful to God will walk you through the steps to freedom, and then show you how to begin sharing your story…turning your pain into purpose.

18 Responses to Set Free

  1. Shirley Lowes October 22, 2012 at 1:45 pm #

    God truly brings freedom. I was raised in a family of 7 kids and received Christ at age 8. However home life did not reflect Jesus. Dad would abuse us kids physically whenever we voiced our own opinion. I never knew a hug or a kiss or an I love you. So as a teen I ran from God trying all the things that we never experienced as teens in school. Fortunately when I returned to the Lord I was able to see his hand upon my life all through my running. And just this year after several Bible Studies with Beth Moore and a Womens retreat the light went on. I realized that my whole life I was looking for love… all the wrong places. The men I lived with all left for someone else, someone better, love in my life was always replaced by another baby in the family, a boyfriend, a husband, and just last year my current husband left for another. But God said to me: Child it is ok, I am with you, this is My will for you…now watch Me work. So I hid myself in Jeses and all my GIG’s. Now a year later I have accepted the truth that God’s love for me will never be replaced. He loves me just as I am and I am accepting His will for my life even if it means remaining single the remainder of my days. He is all I need. Thanks you Sharon for letting me share my story. We use your daily devotions often in our Bible study hours at my home every Tuesday. They are always timely and keep us on the path to righteousness.

  2. Annette October 22, 2012 at 2:02 pm #

    Oh how God works…Yesterday my pastor was talking about how the 6th commandment and the many ways we break it. This seems straight forward but Jesus also talks about how our words can kill others spirits and in your devotional that’s what Leeanne’s mother did to her. I myself held the shame that Leeanne did for so long and years after that bad decision I met my wonderful husband. We tried to get pregnant for two years and Satan kept telling me “this is your punishment for having an abortion, God hates you and since you killed his child, he will never bless you with a child again.” One day we were visiting my mother-in-law and husband was telling his mother about our fertility problems. I excused myself from the discussed and went in the bathroom crying out to God to please forgive me and bless us with children. In that moment I saw a sign from God, I have never before or since seen a sign from God but I did just then. I was looking in the mirror, behind me on the wall hung an angel decorations and I looked in the mirror at the angel and from the ceiling I saw a pure white feather suddenly appear and gently float down and when it disappeared behind my back I swung around to look at it and of course it was gone by then. I felt God speak to me in that moment and tell me that he did forgive me and this was a sign to me that he would bless us with children, to wait and trust in him. Less than a year later we were pregnant. Today we have two beautiful healthy daughters and every day I see them as proof that God loves me and forgives me fully!

  3. Brooke October 22, 2012 at 2:04 pm #

    I was raised a Christian, though about a year ago, I started my first year at a secular college at the age of 18. Being 5 hours away from my Christian influences, I turned my back on God in several areas, and I began to slip into alcohol, partying, and ungodly relationships with the opposite sex, to name a few, that left me very, very broken. I was left with emotional scars of rejection and even soul ties that I didn’t even know where there. Shortly after, I fell into a deep depression for months, and I came home from work last February and almost took my own life. I was lonely, lost, and unloved. A few days after that I came across Jeremiah 29:11 ” For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” That spoke so much hope to me. I clung to that scripture for weeks, as the Holy Spirit was beginning to bring me back. April rolled around and I went to a revival where the preacher spoke on bondage, and I learned that I had been in bondage all of my life. It’s all of that sin that you can’t shake in your own strength no matter how hard you try to be good and overcome it, and being trapped in it because you don’t know the power of the blood of Jesus Christ. Jesus’ blood is the only thing that can break the bondage of sin and break the seemingly endless cycles of the same ole’ sins! On that night, I laid on the alter, crying my eyes out from the sweet, sweet Holy Spirit conviction, experiencing God’s mercy like I had never before. In every way, Jesus should have left me where I was. I left Him and I dug myself into my own pit of misery, but His loving mercy wasn’t just there, it was WAITING for me. If you ever think that what you’ve done is too bad or that you are too far from His mercy, I pray that my story would shine light on that lie from Satan. Repentance is the first step. God bless.

  4. karen wehrle October 22, 2012 at 2:14 pm #

    When I was 18 years old I had an abortion. Back then it was illegal and you could not be put out with anesthesia. It was only the 2nd time my boyfriend and I had
    been together sexually. He was my high school sweetheart. It was something
    that I live with every day. My husband left me 3 years ago and it seems everything came to the surface. I have two beautiful grown daughters and he walked out of their life also.
    I had a wonderful Christian therapist named Mary who guided me through the storm
    and I became dependent on God whom I had left out of my life for many years.
    I know he has forgiven me and now, at 65, I am finally forgiving myself.
    I worked many years with women of domestic violence and sexual abuse and that, too, was thereputic for me. My daughter is now pregnant and I can’t wait for this baby to be born. He is my first grandchild. Her partner is a christian man and he is wonderful.
    We have to forgive ourselves and that is a turning point.

  5. Mila October 22, 2012 at 3:23 pm #

    Thank you, Sharon…this blog entry was near/dear to me. Also want to share my personal testimony and letter to my aborted child: …I finally am free and have peace after 15 years. Hope it may also help anyone facing that decision or struggling with healing from an abortion. God bless you! 🙂

  6. SME October 22, 2012 at 4:48 pm #

    Hello,don’t know how to start, I’m battling a long hard road that started along time ago. Jesus has always been in my life since I did my communion in 2nd grade at the catholic school I went to. I knew of god growing up but never really let it sink in or just never paid attention. I was a kid growing through my parents divorcing,staying at my grandparents to stay away from home. As I got older I practically raised myself,followed my sister,and by 16 I had two kids. Dropped out of HS,took care of my babies with their father and made a promise to do whatever I had to,to give them a better life then mine,and always be there for them. By the time I was 17 I had moved,the father of my kids cheated,nd i moved on. J met my future husband nd stayed with him 10yrs had 1 more child and thought I was set, but still no relationship with god. We divorced and for the first time I was alone to take care of my kids alone. I had started talkin to god but still no commitments from me,just a young girl tryn to survive with 3kids. God was always there! I went to school on the day for a medical asst,and worked as a waitress in a bar at night to make fast money so i can get us a apt and start over. In 3 months I made what I needed but i also got a taste of partying,drinking,doing drugs,but being able to hide it all and noone know. I moved my kids,they were in elementary school, and promised them we wouldn’t leave until they graduated HS. I kept that promise,worked my butt off and provided the best I could, but that whole time,I was still hiding my drug use,my tryst with men, my new found freedom. My kids were never without,and yes we struggled at times,but they never worried bout,food,money,roof over their heads,Ect. But unbeknownst to me I was heading down a 10 year battle with RX painkillers. I hid it for along time,until I got in a car accident and my dependence on em got worse. As my kids got to HS and the normal teenage problems started,my oldest started telling me things i thought I kept hidden tht she knew and she kept hidden from her younger siblings,she became the 2nd adult in the house. Still no looking for god,but he was always there. HS school came and went, was the mother of two graduates and one entering HS and still taking pills, keeping a demanding job and taking care of everything and everyone but myself. When my baby went to go live with her dad, she asked me and said she felt she needed to be with him for awhile because she only saw him on wknds for years. I let her go and have always felt it was rhe biggest mistake I’ve ever made. When she left,I felt I was alone. 2 college kids,who were rarely home,they worked,went to school and were startkng their lives. But my oldest developed this feeling of she had to watch over me,she had seen me at times to messed up to do anything but sleep,and she would take care of me. As it started to get worse and I started seeing my bills and everything were getting out of control,one day I prayed and said God why me,why hv I done this to myself and my kids,and why werent you there to help me. I was very ignorant,and didn’t know what I was suppose to do. Yrs passed and I started getting closer and praying everyday,and tryn to change things. My kids are doin great and my baby graduates this year,my son lives on his own,but my oldest is still here with me,bc only she knows the truth. I’m a lot closer to god then I’ve ever been,but I feel so guilty because God has blessed me tremendously and I know deep in my heart that he was always there,because I never could of raised 3kids being a kid myself,all alone. But I am going to be a grandmother,and I’m still battling my pill addiction. Even tho its not as bad as it use to be,I still can’t break it. I feel like I disappoint god everyday that I make the choice to take these drugs,and convince myself that I do need em for tge pain,but as much as god has blessed me,I battle with the thoughts of I don’t deserve it,and I’m not worthy of his greatness bc of my bad choices. I’m tryn to fight the devil,and show god my obedience,but I always seem to fall. I’m a work in progress,and love the lord with all my heart,and I pray,try to spread the word,and help anyone who needs my help,but i feel like a phony. It’s easy to give advice,but I don’t take a lot of my own advice,how can I expect for others to do it. I just wanna be able to align my mind,heart,soul with gods word,and be strong enough to change the bad habits in my life. I’m 38 a mother of a 23,22,18 yr old adults,and one is gonna be a momma in April, and I know she is strong and will be a great mother,just want to give her all I can to help her,and be there for her,but God be the drivjng force. I’m sorry this isnt the story with a happy ending,but I’m working on it and will never give up. I just need help in understanding how to really serve god,where is will be proud. I know he forgives me, just need to learn to forgive myself. Thank you sharon for giving me a place to release this burden that’s been on my heart for years,thank you for the forum to release it and hopefully learn from it. This is the first time I’ve let all this out. I trust and believe that god has great things for me. I wanna be loved,I wanna love and be free!! Thank you,and sorry for such a long message. 🙂

  7. Nancy Beneteau October 22, 2012 at 4:55 pm #

    HI Sharon
    My life started with lies at the age of 4 when I was pulled into foster care and eventually adopted. Right from the start I was told I wasn’t worth anything, even as I grew my friends would use me and then leave me along like I wasn’t wanted. In my early 20’s I met a man who would force me to watch his anger outbursts, self inflicting pain episodes, he’d tell me I’d only do well with him. He forced himself on me many times and basically left me feeling used and alone. This lasted 8 years but it’s been 15 years since it ended. I had thought I had dealt with it all but as God showed me only a month ago I hadn’t. I still beat myself up about it, even though I had come to Christ and was baptized, the enemy kept bringing these lies to mind. It was one afternoon that I was listening to Micheal W Smith’s discussion about his song “Leave” that I heard God say, Nancy these things happened to you that you need to deal with and set yourself free. It was until I was at the women’s retreat at the end of Septemeber that I reached that point. God met me as I quietly sat on the grass talking to him. It was at this point I felt the freedom of the chains being cut. I said “it is done” and then washed it all away that night in the dark of night as it poured rain like “Healing Rain”. I danced wth God in the middle of the road at the camp I was at and had my victory dance.
    Just after these lies came up, I had written a poem about the experience of emptional, and verbal and mental abuse. I wasn’t ready to share it until after the retreat. When got home I posted it. I’m posting it here now because I know somewhere there is a sister who could be dealing with the same or worse abuse. It is my hope that my poem will inspire her to seek God and let him get her out and heal her. So please if I may post “Frozen In Fear” and ask our Heavenly Lord to please use this poem to help a sister be released from her lies and pain. God Bless all my sisters whereever you are!

    Frozen in Fear 

    She sits frozen in fear
    As he comes near
    His eyes are black
    His face is tense
    Chills crawl up her back
    Not a muscle she will move
    His anger is at it’s worst
    With every step he takes
    She hopes it will improve
    What will she witness today
    Knife roulette?
    Knuckle Rub?
    Through his glare he’ll ask her again
    What she liked to see
    Still frozen in fear
    She’ll mumble her words
    In hopes he won’t hear
    Then comes the lies
    She’s told she must believe
    He tells her that only he loves her
    So she will not leave
    She’s nothing without him
    and her life will be so grim
    He says
    Fearfully obedient in his arms she settles in
    As he gives her a wicked grin
    OH the power he has over her
    Night draws near
    So does fear
    What has he in store for her tonight?
    Loving and sensual
    Or forced on her with all his might?
    How dare she put herself through this?
    Does she think this is wedded bliss?
    Quick there’s the door
    Wait he’s angry and coming back for more
    When will this end?
    She thought he was her best friend
    What has she done?
    She must not be loving him enough
    Why else would he do this stuff
    She knows there is better but cannot seem to leave
    For she is frozen in her fear
    with the lies she’s told to believe
    As days go by she learns to hide
    all within her heart
    cause she’s pledged to stay with him
    till death do they part
    oh the nights she cried
    but could never leave
    once she tried
    yet again the lies he did tell
    To keep hold on her
    did she not know
    to safety she could go
    she began to pray for help
    little did she know
    help was already on the way
    on that unexpected day in May
    he finally set her free
    He turned and drive into the night
    Releasing her from years of pain and fright
    Thanks to the Lord for hearing her prayer
    It took oh so long for her to see
    That someone else cares
    Love is patient, love is kind
    Love is what she’d hope to one day find.


    Nancy Beneteau

  8. Nancy Beneteau October 22, 2012 at 4:56 pm #

    PSS I also suffered a miscarriage I never forgave myself for. I thought I caused it. I know now it was God protecting me and that child from the abuse.

  9. Adrianne Dowdy October 22, 2012 at 4:56 pm #

    Hi, my name is Adrianne and I am 22 years old. I was sexually abused for 3 years by my stepfather when I was 6 until I was 9. It really messed me up for a long time and led me down a path of unrighteousness. Ive been reliving that pain everyday, but today I am setting it free. For a long time I felt worthless. I would cut myself, starve myself, and do promiscuous things because for a long time thats how I thought guys would like you. I turned to drugs and drinking and ended up losing everything, but all of that brought me so low that I had to look up. Everyday is a new battle, but now that I know God, I know that Im not that person anymore. Im saying goodbye to shame today.

  10. Julie Voorhees October 22, 2012 at 6:28 pm #

    As I approached 2012, residual feelings of confined spaces and directionless darkness still lingered. And I was intimately aware that I have stayed hidden in the shadows behind walls…from God, from my husband, my family, and from life.

    It was in the darkness of the night as a little girl that I first started to hide…from the wounds imposed on me and the humiliation that kept lurking after me. Then I would hide away reading stories not meant for childhood eyes to read. Shame stuck to me like a stubborn price tag that wouldn’t peel off. Sticky note to self: I am bad.

    Sometimes, though, I forgot about my favorite hiding spot under the back porch or high in the branches of the Japanese plum tree. And I ventured out into play with the neighborhood kids. I wasn’t hiding when my mother left home. I walked home from sixth grade and she was gone. Never to be caught exposed and vulnerable again, I knew I needed a better hiding place…one that I could take with me and was accessible anytime, anywhere. It was then that I began building the walls around my heart. Sticky note on heart: I am not worth loving.

    I felt safe outside my walls when I met my husband more than 36 years ago. I was happy and blessed when our first baby boy arrived. Another son arrived three years later. We were laughing and playing outside my walls when we moved (again), lost our jobs and found out we were pregnant. I mistakenly chose abortion. Sticky note on my wall: I make bad decisions.

    I went to a women’s weekend last year because I was stuck all over with sticky notes. I didn’t know why I had no motivation, no joy and no insight from God. Arriving an hour early, I sat alone inside the walls of my vehicle in the hotel parking lot mindlessly checking emails, catching up on Words with Friends, and playing Solitaire on my iPhone.

    The next morning—after a full day of teaching and group sessions—I found myself thinking about a man named Lazarus. I found his story in the Bible and read: So the sisters sent word to Him [Jesus] saying, “Lord, behold, he [Lazarus] whom you love is sick.” My lack of motivation and joy felt like I was sick too. Maybe the women in my group—my new sisters—had seen my own ‘sickness’ and petitioned to Jesus on my behalf.

    I read more. But when Jesus heard this, He said. “This sickness is not to end in death, but for the glory of God, so that the Son of God may be glorified by it. But Lazarus had been dead for four days. Martha lamented that Jesus had not arrived sooner to save her brother.

    I needed to read more. So, Jesus again being deeply moved, came to the tomb. Jesus must have cared deeply about Martha and Lazarus; I pondered if He could care so much about me. Now it was a cave, and a stone was lying against it. Jesus said, “Remove the stone.” New sticky note: Jesus cares. Jesus can remove walls.

    So they removed the stone. Then Jesus said: “Father, I thank You that You have heard me. I knew that You always hear Me; but because of the people standing around I said it, so that they may believe You sent Me.” Replacement sticky note: If I stay hidden behind my walls, I miss out on God’s goodness for me, and to others. And if I do not speak up, I have missed an opportunity for others to believe…how much we are loved, so that we can love others unconditionally. How much we are forgiven, so that we can forgive when it is undeserved. How much sorrow is redeemed, so that we can freely reveal God’s mercies through our stories.

    And when Jesus had said these things, He cried out with a loud voice, (that sounded to me like) “Julie, come forth.”

  11. Kate Walsh October 22, 2012 at 9:18 pm #

    Well I have 2 sins 1: Having sex when I’m not married and 2: Being bisexual. I have only told one person who is a Christian that I’m bi and you are the first people I told about having sex when I’m not married. Thanks, God for forgiving my sins.

  12. Chante Demand October 22, 2012 at 9:52 pm #

    I just came to christ almost 3yrs now. I am still strugglning with alot. I know the reason for me feeling stuck is because i havent forgave myself or others that hurted me.I try so much to try to forgive them but something so small can trigger me and i realize that i have not really forgave them. And i know that is holding me back from what god has for me. Or what i need to do for the kingdom. Well a brief story of my life. I was molested at the age 5 from my mom boyfriend and then molested by 4 family member 2 being females. My mom was a drug addicted and my dad was incarcerated my whole life till 3 yrs ago. So I Grew up feeling worthless, oh yeah we was homeless most of my yrs living from shelter to shelter. so most of my life i was lost lookung for love and feeling like why am i here. So I became sexually active at a early age . I became pregnant numerous times before 21 and only kept one child and had many more after that and only kept one. I turned to drugs and the streets for comfort. My mother took my kids from me instead of helping me at the time and i depised her for that. I turned to the street more and started selling my body and using drugs more. I wanted to die i try to commit sucide. I can on and on but i wont the reason this story touch me is because i felt worthless all my life and i blame others and i didnt know how to forgive them. And I know i still feel a little bit of that in my heart so i wanted to come here and release it. Becuae I know that what i neede to do.I thank you guys for giving us a chance to be free.

  13. Christin October 22, 2012 at 10:09 pm #

    Confessing this brings me to tears, but I know it’s the right thing to do. Earlier this year, I had an affair. After being married almost 10 years. Why?? Is the question I kept asking myself over and over. It was the question my husband asked me over and over. I am someone nobody expected this from. I was raised Christian. I accepted Him at the tender age of 6. I was raised in the church. I know more scriptures than most people I know. My parents are missionaries. I am the eldest kid in my family, and have always set an example, or at least tried to. I was always an A student. I have always tried so hard to appear to be perfect, no matter what the situation. I have always tried to carry the burden with a smile. I have always tried to bury my hurts, frustrations, and challenges deep inside where nobody can see them. All of this burying of hurt and emotion, I believe is the “why” behind the affair. You see, I was trying to live up to everyone’s expectations, including my husbands. I was trying to carry the burdens I felt by myself. I wanted so badly to be an example, and as the truth comes to the surface I see that I AM an example…an example of God’s Grace. My husband never left my side. He has been so patient with me. My sister won’t speak to me, but my brother took me in and let me stay with him while my husband took some time and space. My husband and I have been working through the deep web of tangled issues and behaviors that brought us to where we are today. The words that were left unspoken, and the anger and frustrations we both felt that had caused us to drift apart. But the Lord never let me out of his hand. I am an example of how undeserving one can be of His love and protection, yet he gives it freely by His grace. It will take a lot of time for me to heal and for my husband to heal, and for the relationships with my friends and family to heal, but I know that God is at the center, and if I continue to trust in Him, He will guide me. I am an example of His grace through faith. It doesn’t matter how many scriptures you know, how much your outwardly appearance shows your strength. In the end, if you don’t understand His grace, and His truth in your life, you don’t know Him. Your strength is only from Him. He has given me a second chance at life, and I plan to live it for Him, fully and abundantly. My story is the first step. I no longer wish to be burdened by it. I need to confess my sins to others and let Him use them for His glory. That’s how I will heal, and it is my prayer that anyone else who reads this will be blessed with the knowledge that no matter what you have to confess, He will forgive you. If you surrender all to Him, he will bless you and bring you His peace. With tears and much love,


  14. JOAN October 23, 2012 at 12:55 pm #


  15. Belinda October 23, 2012 at 9:03 pm #

    Where to begin? I believe I was 6yrs old or so and an elderly neighbor man would invite me to come and sit with him in his backyard and I would go. The place we sat was in full view of my own backyard and the swingset that my little sister and me would play on. This man touched me where he shouldn’t have and that is when I started feeling the sexual, touch me feelings. I never told anybody. I grew up in a hell, fire and damnation church in a home that wearing pants and listening to rock and roll music and trick or treating was all bad. There was alot of fighting though for it to be such a Christian home. Fast forward to about age 9yrs old. I don’t know how many children play “doctor” but I had a little girl friend whose house I would go spend the night at and we would act like a boy and girl in her bed and do ugly things. I am almost certain she was being sexually abused by her father. She and I would find places like houses under construction in the neighborhood and dried up creekbeds and play “rape”. There must be something evil inside of me is what the devil has said to me my whole life. Fast forward to about 12yrs old and my father has an affair with his best friends (our pastor) wife (my mom’s best friend)….my mother didn’t want to tell us so I hated her for always being so mean to my dad. I am the oldest of 3 girls and was told I was always daddy’s girl. Whatever!! So I saw my mother standing on a chair in the kitchen going through the medicine cabinet one night and all I remember is her dumping pills into her sweater and me begging her to stop and she told me that our granny (her mom) would take care of us and she walked out the back door into the woods. WHAT A HOPELESS FEELING! Her friend found her at the Waffle House in our town. What really stinks about all of this is that neither me or my sister that is 2 yrs younger than me have any memories of our lives during that time. I seem to remember the nasty things but only in spurts. Sometime during this time I became something of a sexual predator, is what I believe. I showed myself to some of the children up the street that I baby sat. Their dad had all kinds of porno magazines and I would act out the things in the magazine…it’s really hard to remember for sure. But I just know that I have felt like a purely evil person because of these things. My parents divorced and my father married that woman and moved into a house in our neighborhood. My mother recently told me that he was there for 5yrs. I have no recollection of that time in my life. It’s like he didn’t even exist. Fast forward to 14yrs old. My mom met a man that was not a Christian that had been married 2 times before. He was physically abusive to my mom and to me. Thankfully Jesus came into his heart one night and he was never the same. He is actually the greatest guy and the only dad I ever knew. But it was too late for me. I spent so much time trying to get people to like me and notice me when I was in my early teens (really my whole life now that I think about it)…I would do anything anybody dared me to do. I started smoking cigarettes and pot at 15. I lost my virginity the same year. Fast forward to 17yrs old. I met a man 9 years older than me who offered me the world. Fancy car, lots of money, promises, promises and more promises. He tricked me into leaving my home and that’s when the beatings started. He was really sneaky and knew exactly where to hit me so nobody would know. I put up with it because I knew that I deserved everything that I got because of who I am. There wasn’t enough torture for somebody as dirty as me. I spent 7 years with him and fast forward to 23yrs old I got the courage to leave him and took my 3 wonderful children with me. There was so much damage and the games he played with my mind caused me to be insensitive to my children. I was always there for them but could never get close. Maybe I was afraid I would harm them. So I met the man that I have been married to now for 20yrs. Fast forward to 44yrs old. We raised our children who are now 25, 24 & 21. We have been functioning addicts for most of their lives. I have been on bipolar meds for about 8 yrs and anti-anxiety meds too. Recently I was in a manic moment and went to the doctor and they diagnosed me with psychosis and put me on an anti-psychotic medicine (resperdol..sp?) that made me absolutely crazy, paranoid, and mean. One day about 1 1/2 month ago I was in my house upstairs and I felt a wave of fear come over me that I had not felt before, at least I can’t remember it…I tried to speak out the Lord’s Prayer and couldn’t remember the words. I called out to Jesus and couldn’t hear HIM. Why would HE listen to an evil person like me anyway. I called my mother and asked her to come over and pray with me. She did and while she was there I told her about my meds and other stuff (not this stuff) and she called out the sick, lying spirit in me. My body went limp. Breakthrough….God supernaturally delivered me from cigarettes and the pot and the psychosis pills but I fell into a deep depression and wanted my marriage to end. I was convinced that I didn’t love my husband anymore. I left for 2weeks. It was hard for me to go back home. We love each other but with such disfunction how can that work. He wanted to start going to church and so I agreed. Of course on Sundays I get really angry and that makes him not want to go with me. So he started going to one campus and I went to the other one. It just so happens that the Womens Rain conference was getting ready to start up and on one of my days of blurryness I sent an email to the church website asking for somebody to please get in touch with me because my marriage is falling apart and I felt really depressed and lost. I didn’t remember sending this email but I got a call from the head of the womens ministry and she wanted to meet me at a local coffee shop to talk. I couldn’t understand why she was reaching out to me but I agreed. It turns out that she has been married for 20 years to her dear friend, husband that has suffered with depression and bi-polar for 13yrs. Up until 2yrs ago this was something they suffered silently with while being a part of the church. I was able to open up in a spiritual sense and share things with her. She told me that this wasn’t about my husband but about me and what God is doing with Belinda. She said there is hope for my marriage and to speak good things and to rebuke Satan when he tells me his lies. She told me that satan doesn’t know the future but knows what I have done and is continuing to torture me with those things. So I went to the womens conference this past Thurs., Fri & Sat and planned to sit alone and hope that somebody would reach out to me. That’s where God put it on my heart to stop judging people and myself and to quit fighting because the battle has already been won. I got baptized on Sat and called out despair, dirtiness, disgust and depression in front of an entire auditorium of women and they all told me that they loved me. I guess what I am saying is that as dirty as I have always felt it is great to know that I believe in my heart that ALL of that got washed away when I went down into that water and I need prayer for all of the times that the father of lies tries to tell me that I am not saved or forgiven. Because in my heart I really want to accept it. Thank you for giving me a place to lay out all of my ugly. Prayers work!!!

  16. Lety October 24, 2012 at 4:43 pm #

    Wow!! This is exactly what’s going on with me! I had 2 abortions buying the lie that I would just ruin my babies lives if I had them because the dad was on drugs and was in an abusive relationship. I ended up having 4 miscarriages after because I wasn’t taking care of my body and would openly just be happy when I did. I have 2 beautiful girls today that I didn’t think I could raise on my own with GOD in control! I felt like the worst of the worst but since Jesus died for my selfishness and my sins, I’M NO LONGER the same and when the deceiver tries crawling in my head, I remind myself of THE VOICE OF TRUTH! We are not what we did or what we went through before Jesus! Lety

  17. Raquel October 25, 2012 at 10:36 am #

    It’s incredible how God truly understands us and knows exactly what we need. I’m from São Paulo (Brazil) and I just got here at my work and opened my email. When I saw the title of the email and started reading, it brought tears to my eyes. I have a huge fear of rejection. I always think that people just start not liking me. It’s tough for me. Right now I’m not going to any church and I confess now that I’m afraid of going anywhere because I don’t want to be rejected anymore. It was like that in the last church I attended. I used to sing in the worship team and worship is my life. I know that’s what he called me to do and I want to serve Him with my voice. I love to lead people into worship. It makes me happy when I see people surrendering to God through worship. But everything I tried to do to serve him there I was rejected. And I left ’cause I felt that nobody wanted me there and found out later on that it was exactly there. So now I’m afraid of any church. God made me see this as I was reading today’s message. I watch services online, I am always praying and reading my Bible but I need to find my place here. I need a church where I’ll feel like I belong and I’ll get to serve God with what he gave to do so. I need this and I miss being in church so much. I’m a born Christian so being in church is all I know and beign with God and living for Him is all I want to do in this life. I just want to thank you for this incredible message and may God bless you more each day and I pray that He conitnues to use you like this.

  18. Liz Taylor October 31, 2012 at 1:40 pm #

    I attended church from the time I was a kid but I didn’t know the Lord until a couple of years ago. I was very ‘in the world’ and had sex with my first boyfriend at age 14. I knew it was wrong but I wanted his approval and I lived alot of my life for a boyfriends approval. I was married and divorced before I came back to the church and in between those times, I stole money from my parents and my husband. I had payday loans from five different companies at the same time because I wouldn’t tell my husband at the time that we couldn’t afford to do something. I bounced checks, and would leave work early to get the mail so he wouldn’t see the overdraft notices. I told a payday company that my mother was dying and that’s why I couldn’t come in. I wish that was the lowest point of my life but after my divorce I went from man to man lookin for comfort and I was promiscuous. That was accepted in my circle of friends as ok behavior. I met my current husband the day before my birthday and had sex with him and basically moved in with him two weeks later. We married and have been going to church and really trying to live a Christian life for the past couple of years. We can’t have biological children though and the enemy tells me that’s because of my promiscuity in the past. We are in the process of adopting a baby girl that is a total God match though. All along I was looking for approval from earthly men when I should be living for our Heavenly Father. Thank you Jesus for thinking I was worth it!

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